Focus

The current teaser on the ‘No True Way‘ site is:

Stop “trying” to be a good sub… because that’s focusing on “you”…
Focus on Him…
His needs, His wants, His desires…
And everything will fall into place

I must admit, that I have conflicting feelings on this subject.

On the one hand, I agree that part of submission, for me at least, is focussing on Master C and his needs, wants and desires. With this, there is an expectation that I will strive to be and do the best that I can in whatever I do, whether that involves a task He has set me, accepting His discipline or sucking His cock. I’ve alluded to this many times, but a major part of my submission to Master C is that He provides me with the instruction and guidance to be a better me. My submission to Master C isn’t just about serving Him and attending to His needs, it is about my own personal growth. When Master C encourages me, He is building me up, letting me know that I have done well. When Master C disciplines me, He is letting me know that I have, in some way, performed beneath myself and that He expects me to learn from this and do better.

The upshot is, that not only am I trying to be a good submissive, I am striving to be the best submissive I can be. And the reason I do this is because that is what Master C expects of me and, in doing so, I am addressing a need and desire in Him to help me.

The flip side of this is that my submission to Master C is centred around Him. In this sense, being a “good” submissive is all about focussing on His needs, wants and desires. It’s about providing Him with support, comfort and companionship. It’s about providing Him with forms of intimacy: the physical, emotional, intellectual, creative, experiential and, of course sexual. It’s about being someone for Him to love, but also someone to use and fuck; providing Him with outlets for that duality that resides in all of us, the tender, caring, unselfish love and the primal, primitive animal. It’s about giving Him reasons to discipline me and accepting such punishments in a way that He knows He is providing me with opportunities to grow. A lot of it is about sucking His cock.

For me, the primary focus of being a “good” submissive will always be about Master C, however that always reflects back on me. The ego cannot be switched off. I want to “serve” Master C and the ultimate reward for my “service” is for Him to call me His “good girl”.

In a way, for me at least, D/s is a kind of symbiotic relationship; I crave Master C’s  recognition of my “service” and that will always mean that I strive even harder to please Him and make Him proud of me. I need to attend to His needs, I want to be the outlet for His wants, I desire to provide for His desires. I am not directly focussing on me, but my sense of self-worth is inextricably bound up in my submission to Master C. That is a bond that cannot be severed and, even if it could, I wouldn’t want to.

Ultimately, both Master C and I expect me to not only be a good submissive, but to be the best version of myself that, with his guidance, support and direction, I can be.

TMI Tuesday – That’s Life

1. Who do you prefer to discuss politics with?
a. partner
b. best friend
c. co-workers
d. strangers
e. parents
I try not to discuss politics at all if I can get away with it, but if I have to, it’ll probably be with Master C or one of my friends.

2. Which is more offensive to you: book burning or flag burning? Why?
In my opinion, books are sacred, even the trashy ones, so that is definitely more offensive. Knowledge is power, censorship is oppression. A flag is just a bit of coloured cloth.

3. Complete the sentence. Most of all, I want to meet someone who deserves my _____ :
a. trust.
b. loyalty.
c. admiration.
d. love.
I would say, where Master C is concerned, He absolutely deserves all of the above, without question. In any other situation, being deserving of my trust is definitely the most important consideration.

4. Which kind of fidelity (being faithful) is more important to you?
a. Physical/Sexual.
b. Mental/Emotional.
c. Neither is important.
d. Both are equally important.
It absolutely has to be Mental/Emotional. Given that Master C and I are polyamorous, the idea of sexual exclusivity is clearly not one that applies, but our non-monogamy is always based on it being consensual, open and honest.

5. Would you avoid all contact with an ex if your current significant other asked you to?
a. Yes, of course!
b. No. This would be an unacceptable demand.
c. Only if their justification seems reasonable.
Given that Master C would almost certainly never do this, I’m not sure where I stand on this. I think, it would lie somewhere between b. and c. If there were a reasonable justification then I probably would have already broken off contact and so the question wouldn’t arise, but if there were no reasonable justification, I would find it unacceptable.

Bonus: If you were to die, the person going through your belongings would be shocked to find _____ ?
If they know me at all, I’m almost certain that none of my possessions would shock them. If anything, it would be my more ordinary and mundane possessions that would probably raise eyebrows, anything in anyway associated with kink would be almost certainly be taken for granted.

The discovery years

As is, I suppose, the case for may of us, my teenage years were a time of discovery and experimentation. They were the years when the “theory” of sex things were, largely, put into practice. By the time I put my teenage years behind me in the spring of 1994, there really wasn’t much I hadn’t tried. By my 20^th birthday, I’d experienced the full gamut from those first, furtive fumblings and fingerings, through sucking, fucking, licking and being licked by both male and female partners, all the way to having sex with multiple partners at a party during my university’s freshers’ week. My teenage years were the years of first times and discoveries of what was simply just enjoyable and what was “Oh my fucking God! What just happened?”

My teenage years were the time of the so called “slut bands”, the multi-coloured string bracelets that me and other girls in my school (and probably countless others) wore around our left wrist; each colour indicating something we’d let a boy do to us: yellow, for having our boobs felt, green for having been fingered, orange for touched his cock, purple for having sucked it, red for having gone all the way. We wore our bands with pride and there was always a feeling of appreciative envy when one of the group added a new colour to her wrist that you didn’t have on yours.

It was also the time where I discovered that something that was just “meh!” with one partner could be amazing with an other, and that similarly something that one partner did that almost required scraping me off the ceiling could, with another partner, be little more than a damp squib.

Those were the years where I learned what I enjoyed, how I liked to be touched, how I liked to be licked, the positions where I could most enjoy the feeling of a partner’s cock inside me, the things that I did with my lips and tongue that my partners enjoyed the most. They were the years of discovering the different ways of how I could give myself pleasure; which worked best when I needed to get off in a hurry and which best suited a long, leisurely session when I had time on my hands. They were the years where I learned about the almost infinite ways in which two or more bodies could fit together to bring pleasure and enjoyment to the participants.

Most of all though, it was a journey where I discovered me as a sexual human being. My sexual tastes, appetites and desires were forged in those years. My love of of sucking a partner’s cock, my love of the taste of another woman’s cunt, my hunger for sex that was just that little bit rougher and “out there” were all born in those years. By the time I turned 20, I was already well on the way to becoming the unrestrained sex-hungry slut I would become before Master C taught me. Casual sex had become my norm. A night out at the Student Union invariably meant going home with a different man or woman, and sometimes more than one, or both; the night often starting before we wound up in whatever room/flat we were heading to.

I went from from curious virgin, to experimental novice and on to seasoned slut in just a few short years. Solo sex, sex within a committed relationship (by teenage standards), same-sex sex, experimental sex, casual sex, risky sex, public sex, group sex, I had done all within a few short years.

Do I regret any of it? No, not really. Some of the individual encounters I had  may have been less enjoyable or satisfactory, but even they were building blocks towards making me the person I am today. Every partner, every fuck, every blow-job, every cunt licked or tongue on my clit, every load of cum swallowed have made me the confident sexual person that I am today.

Under Master C’s guidance and correction, I have become somewhat more discerning and restrained when it comes to my random encounters than I was back in those days and throughout my 20s, but looking back at those early days, I had a lot of fun, a lot of pleasure, a lot of fucks and a lot of orgasms, so I really can’t complain.

Would I do my teenage years differently if I could do them again? Maybe. I might not be in such a head-long rush to try absolutely everything; maybe leaving longer for the novelty of my latest new thing to diminish before seeking the next thing to try, but there’s nothing I’d leave out. And let’s face it, every teenager needs a hobby and as a particularly randy one in the late 1980s/early 1990s, growing up in a remote part of Scotland, there really wasn’t much else to do in terms of recreational activities.

Impulsively bad behaviour

I think I may have mentioned that I am, quite unashamedly, a slut. Promiscuity has pretty much always been second nature to me and monogamy almost unthinkable. Even within the confines and context of my relationship, much of my submission to Him comes from the fact that He allows me to channel my impulsive sluttiness in ways that allow me freedom to indulge that aspect of my personality, albeit in a framework of control and discipline and a need to accept responsibility for my actions.

I’m not sure if engaging in casual sex is necessarily “bad” but in my younger days, it did have a lot of negative connotations. Yes, I enjoyed sex then just as much as I do now. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase, and I particularly enjoyed being caught (and sometimes being the one doing the catching). And while, in the main, the sex was primarily and mainly for the enjoyment of a good fuck, it had a darker side too.

Yes, I enjoyed the anticipation, the teasing, the flirting, the seduction and, ultimately, the gratification (whether it be a drunken blow-job in the pub car park or an all night one-nighter at their place – I almost never took my victims/conquests back to mine). The sex was absolutely about all those things. If, upon a night out, I saw a guy or woman I fancied, the chances are I’d have had some form of sexual liaison with them before my night was finished. Many a quick drink after class/work ended with a “walk of shame” in the early hours for a shower, a couple of hours sleep and a change of clothes before heading back to lectures/work.

But, on top of the thrill and the enjoyment, often I was searching for a form of validation. I wasn’t good at relationships, but I was good at sex, or at least I hoped I was. As much as I crave those times when Master C calls me His “good girl”, I needed to hear how good a fuck I was, how amazing it felt when I sucked a guy off, how much a woman enjoyed me going down on her, how much partners of either sex enjoyed my taste. The validation was almost as addictive as the anticipation and gratification, and the more I received, the more I craved it. I was an addict searching for their next fix.

The irony was that the more praise I received, the less it satisfied me, and the more I needed but, at the same time, the very act of seeking it out had an almost cancelling effect on my self worth. I wasn’t just a slut, I was a worthless slut. I didn’t deserve gratification or validation because I was cheap, an easy lay, the town bike. Of course I could have a relationship because, once they’d fucked me, who would actually want a relationship with someone like me who was emotionally incapable of being faithful.

I’ve come a long way since those days. I’m still impulsive, I still have sex with random men/women on nights out, I still love all the things about these encounters as I did then: the excitement, the recognition and appreciation of me as a sexual and sexy person. Obviously, I still enjoy being told how good I am (or how bad I am if I’m being honest), but now, largely down to Master C’s guidance, nurture and discipline, I fully appreciate my worth, I am good enough. There is no shame to having a high sex drive and in allowing myself to act upon such impulses as feel inclined to act upon. I know now that I am not cheapening myself, I am simply engaging in an enjoyable pastime. I know that such “punishment” as is required will be agreed with and administered by Master C and that any acts of “atonement” will be performed willingly.

And that’s the thing, I’ve alluded to this before but, when it comes to discipline, Master C does not decide unilaterally what form my chastisement will take. As part of the acceptance of responsibility I am required to consider my actions, the seriousness of them and to consider what would be the appropriate “tariff” for the transgression. It maybe six lashes of his belt, it may be a form of humiliation in front of members of our “Circle”, it may be that he denies me an orgasm for a number of days or chooses not to let me receive His load when He comes. It could be a combination of any of these, but we always discuss and consider and ultimately agree what form it takes so I never have any grounds to complain that it is unfair.

Sadly, at the moment, my opportunities to engage in my bad habits are extremely limited and I look forward to a time when I can be impulsive again. Until then, when it comes to incurring Master C’s correction, I just need to be creative.