Drunkeness


So, it’s Friday again.  It is also payday. As such, a group of us from work will be going out which, of course, means alcohol.

Now, there are some people who manage to hold their drink with a certain decorum; despite being a little dishevelled they manage to carry it off with a certain style and classiness. You know they’ve had a few too many but yet, they still manage to convey a sense of elegance, if not quite sophistication.

Sadly, I am not one of those people.

No, despite being Scottish, when it comes to alcohol, I am a total lightweight; anything more than two large glasses of wine and I’m pretty much anybody’s. I know this from bitter experience. Although, to be fair, I am frequently quite literally “anybody’s” so it’s not all bad all the time.

So, do I ever learn from these displays of public embarrassment?  No, of course not.

I can guarantee that this evening, once again, I’ll be there, doing my best, but failing miserably as usual to keep up with my colleagues and friends, and before I know it, I’ll be drunk tweeting, will have probably bought, and smoked most of a packet of Regal  (Note: I don’t smoke, except when I’ve had too much to drink), will have sent numerous suggestive texts to Master C, “The Girl” and “The Other Guy” describing in graphic and lurid detail what I want them to do to me and what I want to do to them in return, I will almost certainly end up sucking some random guy off and/or getting fucked behind the pub and, finally, one of my friends will have to pour me into a taxi at the end of the night.

I know I shouldn’t do it, I am fully aware that I have no capacity for alcohol, I know I’ll end up making an utter mess of myself, and I know I’ll feel like death for the next few days afterwards, but I also know I can’t help myself sometimes and I’m going to do it anyway. On the plus side, if I’m very bad, I will almost definitely earn myself the attention of Master C‘s belt, so there is a potential silver lining to this particular cloud.

So, if during the course of the evening, you happen to stumble across someone looking like she’s only just managed to escape the fall of civilisation while picking your way through town, please be gentle with me.