Foundations


In their 1999 track, “Affirmation”, the band Savage Garden wrote:

I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy

In a way, those words are central to my view of myself, and my relationship with Master C.

I make no bones about the fact that I consider myself to be bisexual. I am sexually attracted by both men and women. I’ve mentioned before that the first time another person brought me to orgasm, it was, quite literally, at the hands of another girl; “The Girl” to be precise. I won’t repeat the details as you can read them if you follow the link to that earlier post, but the point was, at no time did what I was doing with “The Girl” seem in any way wrong. Yes, as I alluded to in that earlier post, the nature of all-girls schooling being what it was, while no one wanted to be known as a virgin, no one particularly wanted to be openly branded as a slut (although we “sluts” were quite happy to compare slutiness notes and tips within our own friend circles). The only thing “worse” than being a slut was, almost inevitably, to be a “lez”.

Of course, by the time I left school at 18, I was no longer a virgin and had had a number of sexual partners, both male and female and, name-calling aside, it all felt good and right. Sex with male and female partners was different, and different partners did different things, but it was all sex and it was all about pleasure and it was all good (apart from the times where it wasn’t, but, sadly, bad sex happens sometimes; we all have had our disappointments somewhere). Never, at any point did I ever feel the need to pigeonhole myself into a category that potentially limited how I could enjoy myself and who I could enjoy myself with.

I was fortunate. I had a good relationship my mother where I could discuss sex and sexuality openly. And, while I didn’t give her a running tally of how many  partners I’d had, I was able to talk to her about the fact that I was attracted to, and had had sex with boys and girls. My mum’s advice was essentially, if fucking someone makes you happy, go ahead and fuck them (she didn’t use those exact words, but they convey her meaning). That, essentially, since the earliest days of sexual awakening has been central to my self-image and approach to my sex life.

So, that’s the first line of the quote dealt with, now on to the second…

At no time in our relationship have Master C or I been exclusive. When we first met, we were essentially fuck-buddies/friends-with-benefits and both of us had other arrangements in addition to what we shared with each other. When we became a couple, we agreed at the outset that, given our history, and the nature of our personalities (mine, I suspect, more so than Master C’s) that even attempting to be exclusive would be pointless. We both knew that even if we could do it, it almost certainly wouldn’t satisfy either of us , and, in the worst case scenario, could possibly drive an irreparable wedge between us.  The solution was, quite simply, total honesty. Even before we became what would now be recognised as D/s, there was still the requirement that we were both free to fuck anyone else, so long as we were always honest about it.

This isn’t to say that there weren’t jealousies and insecurities, because we are both human, but it allowed us to find something that worked and what would, ultimately, lay the foundation of our D/s dynamic. In a way, Master C telling me how much pleasure another woman had given Him would become a kind of punishment or a form of humiliation for me. Me admitting to my indiscretions and having to be disciplined in order to atone for them, would, of course bring corporal punishment into the mix. In a very real sense, our particular D/s dynamic evolved out of a recognition that, so long as we were emotionally “faithful” to each other by being open and honest, the “need” for monogamy disappeared.

This sin’t to say that other emotional attachments aren’t allowed. There is obviously a very strong emotional (as well as sexual) bond between “The Girl” and me that extends back more than a decade before I’d even met Master C. There is also a lesser, but still strong emotional attachment between “The Other Guy” and me as well. For His part, Master C  is very closely attached to one of the other women in our poly circle. The point is, that we know about this, and we are honest about these things, both with ourselves and with each other. While some of them may be friends, or perhaps a little more, the various sexual others in our lives are simply people we have sex with, either on our own, or together. None of those others, however, share a bond with us that is anything like the bond that Master C and I share. We are partners in every sense. If I’m allowed to be vomit-inducingly cringe-worthy for a second, we complete each other. Yes, we love, we fuck and sometimes we fight but, most importantly, we share, we confide, we support, we occasionally drive each other nuts, we argue and then we make up (and there’s almost always fucking involved). All of those are foundations of not just our D/s dynamic, but our relationship and our lives together, and they are all built on the bedrock of openess, honesty and trust.

Love is blind(ish)


The the quote for us to unpick on ‘Quote Quest‘ this week had got my grey cells arguing with each other:

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind
– William Shakespeare

I think, for me, it depends on the type of love you are describing and the relationship between oneself and the loved one. Love, after all, comes in many flavours: we love our families (mostly), we love our friends, we (hopefully) love our partners. Love is emotional but how we express it, depends on who it is we are expressing it towards, and the nature of the love/relationship that exists.

I suspect, that the quote is really meant to focus on “romantic” love, i.e. the love between “lovers”, essentially those that we share our lives with and fuck.

Not everyone we fuck, obviously; I definitely have not loved everyone with whom I have rubbed bits and exchanged fluids with, but the important ones, the significant ones.

I think we also have to detach love from attraction. Attraction is, for most of us, very visual. We see someone we fancy, we think “Yeah, I want a bit of that,” we hook-up, date, fuck and maybe a relationship forms and, if it does, it’s possible that the emotional connection we call love develops.

And I think, it is possibly that at this point that the “blindness” develops. Let’s be honest, we all have habits that others find annoying. There are things I do that drive Master C nuts. There are things Master C  does that make me despair. If we didn’t love each other, those little annoyances would probably, over time, become unbearable; but because we love each other, we learn to ignore them wherever we can, and live with them where we can’t and, in some instances, exploit them if it means wheedling/provoking/providing an extra hard spanking out of  it.

Love allows us to turn a blind eye on things that if someone we didn’t love were to do them, would provoke a reaction from mild irritation all the way through to full on rage. Where we are not completely blinded by love, love filters and mitigates the annoyances that we cause our loved ones and they cause us.

I love Master C, for the way He treats me, the way that makes me feel, the strength, comfort and support He provides; that, however, is the emotional side of love. There is also the physical, which is largely based on the things He does to me, but also based on His physical attractiveness to me.

Now, I accept that I am coming from this from the perspective of a sighted person. An unsighted person would almost certainly find attractiveness in other forms and from other stimuli and, for them, I guess, in the visual sense, love truly would be blind. For me however, it is multifaceted; it draws on so many senses and stimuli that my brain then mixes together in some strange neurochemical imbalance to create this crazy little thing called love.

Focus


The current teaser on the ‘No True Way‘ site is:

Stop “trying” to be a good sub… because that’s focusing on “you”…
Focus on Him…
His needs, His wants, His desires…
And everything will fall into place

I must admit, that I have conflicting feelings on this subject.

On the one hand, I agree that part of submission, for me at least, is focussing on Master C and his needs, wants and desires. With this, there is an expectation that I will strive to be and do the best that I can in whatever I do, whether that involves a task He has set me, accepting His discipline or sucking His cock. I’ve alluded to this many times, but a major part of my submission to Master C is that He provides me with the instruction and guidance to be a better me. My submission to Master C isn’t just about serving Him and attending to His needs, it is about my own personal growth. When Master C encourages me, He is building me up, letting me know that I have done well. When Master C disciplines me, He is letting me know that I have, in some way, performed beneath myself and that He expects me to learn from this and do better.

The upshot is, that not only am I trying to be a good submissive, I am striving to be the best submissive I can be. And the reason I do this is because that is what Master C expects of me and, in doing so, I am addressing a need and desire in Him to help me.

The flip side of this is that my submission to Master C is centred around Him. In this sense, being a “good” submissive is all about focussing on His needs, wants and desires. It’s about providing Him with support, comfort and companionship. It’s about providing Him with forms of intimacy: the physical, emotional, intellectual, creative, experiential and, of course sexual. It’s about being someone for Him to love, but also someone to use and fuck; providing Him with outlets for that duality that resides in all of us, the tender, caring, unselfish love and the primal, primitive animal. It’s about giving Him reasons to discipline me and accepting such punishments in a way that He knows He is providing me with opportunities to grow. A lot of it is about sucking His cock.

For me, the primary focus of being a “good” submissive will always be about Master C, however that always reflects back on me. The ego cannot be switched off. I want to “serve” Master C and the ultimate reward for my “service” is for Him to call me His “good girl”.

In a way, for me at least, D/s is a kind of symbiotic relationship; I crave Master C’s  recognition of my “service” and that will always mean that I strive even harder to please Him and make Him proud of me. I need to attend to His needs, I want to be the outlet for His wants, I desire to provide for His desires. I am not directly focussing on me, but my sense of self-worth is inextricably bound up in my submission to Master C. That is a bond that cannot be severed and, even if it could, I wouldn’t want to.

Ultimately, both Master C and I expect me to not only be a good submissive, but to be the best version of myself that, with his guidance, support and direction, I can be.

Rough love


If you follow me on Twitter, you might know that yesterday was not a great day for me. It was almost serendipty when the following tweet appeared in my timeline.

I won’t lie, by mid morning yesterday, I was fully in agreement with the poster in that I definitely needed the full spectrum of responses.

It wasn’t quite a “caging” event, I’d had one of those recently and I don’t want to overuse that particular form of “therapy” but it was one of those days where I needed a fucking that would help me forget just how horrible a day it had been.

One of the great things about my relationship with Master C is His near instinctive ability to know just what kind of attention I need in any given circumstances; although, to be fair, given that as soon as He was able to attend to me, He found me naked, on all fours, with a paddle and a butt-plug on the table beside me, was possibly something of a giveaway. However, even my fairly blatant statement of intent didn’t prevent Master C from adding his own embellishments.

Clamps were tightened around my nipples. My wrists were cuffed to my ankles. My legs were forced apart by the spreader bar. My mouth strained around the ball-gag which was fastened tightly around my neck. A small glob of lube was squirted on my arsehole. I was in that most wonderfully agonising state of discomfort and then I felt the cold, glassy smoothness of the plug being pushed, not into my arse, but into my cunt.

Master C fucked me with it for a few wonderful moments, coating it with my wetness before slowly, but firmly inserting it into my back passage. I moaned around the ball in my mouth as He worked it in, feeling it stretching me, opening me up.

I flinched as I heard the crack of wood on skin; Master C testing the paddle against the heal of his palm. “Are you ready?” He asked.

I squirmed, trying to nod to confirm. Master C laughed. “And so let it commence,” He announced.

I waited.  I waited to feel the contact of the wood on my buttocks. I waited and the anticipation grew, becoming unbearable. I waited; my nipples throbbing against the clamps, my cunt hot and wet, my arse so deliciously stretched and full. I waited…

And then the wait was over. That first resounding blow to my buttocks send a pulse of pain and pleasure through me. I cried out, but the ball in my mouth muted the sound.

A second blow, a third, each one alternating from side to side, left then right. Each blow delivered with a force that made my eyes water and with a timing that allowed the intensity of the pain to build, maximising the burning sensation across both buttocks.

Twelve blows in all. Twelve wonderfully, deliciously, painful blows in alternation, six to the left and six to the right.

Master C stroked His fingers over my clit. I came instantly.

The plug was removed from my arse and for a few fleeting moments, I felt empty; but not for long. The plug was replaced by Master C’s cock. He gripped my hips and fucked my arse hard. After every few thrusts, He would smack His hand down hard on one buttock or the other, a sharp stinging slap, reigniting the fire of my paddling.

“Dirty slut loves getting her arse fucked, doesn’t she?” I heard Him growl. “My filthy slut loves having her Master’s cock in her arse, doesn’t she?” I wanted to cry out yes, I wanted to let Him know how much His filthy slut was enjoying having her arse fucked. I creamed the words in my mind, but the ball in my mouth reduced my moans to a muffled, incomprehensible  mumble.

Suddenly I felt a buzzing against my clit and that was my undoing. I came hard as His cock pounded my arse and the finger stim pressed against my clit.

I was still coming when Master C pulled His cock from my arse and, second later, I felt the sticky heat of His cum on my skin.

Master C released the spreader, unclasped the nipple clamps and undid the cuffs around my wrists.  As I collapsed, spent and drained on to the floor, He undid the gag and removed the ball from my mouth and kissed me. Pausing to spread a blanket over the couch, Master C gathered me up then laid me out on in it, wrapping the blanket over me. He kissed me again. “Would you like me to run you a bath and get you a glass of wine?” He asked.

I smiled and nodded.

Master C really does know my needs so well.

Guidance through discipline


I’ve touched on this many times in this blog, but discipline/punishment is a very important part of the D/s dynamic that exists between Master C and myself. Punishment helps define boundaries; not to confine, but to determine the “price” required to cross those boundaries. As I mentioned in this post, any corrections that Master C administers, are never delivered unilaterally; I am always required to consider my actions and what the “tariff” for any given transgression may be.

Punishments can, of course, take many forms. There are, of course, the obvious forms of corporal punishment: spanking, belting, caning, flogging; all always delivered to my naked arse, each one with it’s own unique form and intensity of pain, each one leaving a different mark on my skin.

Master C’s hand is usually for the most minor infringements; when I’m being particularly bratty or impudent, or when He knows I’m not trying my hardest. His belt, the flogger and the cane are used for more “serious” infringements. In those pre-covid days where such things were possible, a drunken blow-job with a random might earn me several lashes from the belt, fucking more than one random on the same night out might mean the flogger, and getting publicly fucked in the arse at a local dogging site absolutely  called for the cane.

Knowing the level of punishment I can expect, helps me determine the level I am willing to accept for any one act or transgression. In my mind, I know the level of recompense I am likely to have to pay, and this helps shape whether or not the “act” is worth the “cost”.

But punishments aren’t just corporal.

One of Master C’s favourite alternative punishments takes the form of denial. That can be denial of orgasm for me; where he takes His pleasure from me but forbids me to come. Another form of denial is when He fucks me, or requires me to suck His cock, He will deprive me of His cum. Master C knows how much I love to feel Him erupt inside me, He knows how I consider taking His cum in my mouth to be a reward and He knows how much I don’t like it when He chooses to withhold that from me.

Again, in the pre-covid days when we would get together with other members of our “Circle”, punishment could take the form of me having to watch him being attended to by one of the other women or for me to have to “wear” the cum of one or more of the other men (although having a big degradation fetish, this one never really seems like a punishment, but having it done to me then not being allowed to come myself does make this unpleasant).

Finally, there are those times when I overstep the line, I have gone too far in my misbehaviour, I have provoked Him beyond what He is prepared to accept. In these instances, I am subject to the ultimate punishment and banished to the cage. It happens rarely, but the threat is there.

The point, however, of all of these, is not to prevent me from doing things, but for me to respect the fact that my actions have consequences. They are a form of guidance as much as they are of correction; they allow me a degree of freedom to fulfil my needs and desires, while making me consider their worth and urgency. Punishment, for me, is a form of currency; I can have whatever I want, so long as I am willing to pay the appropriate “price” for it and it allows me to decide if the gratification I would receive is worth the price I would pay (while factoring in that the price is very much a part of the overall gratification).

There is one final form of “punishment” that I have still to touch upon.  This one is much more fun (although, again, current circumstances mean that I haven’t been on the receiving end for a while) and is “the punishment fuck“. It’s not really a punishment per se, and is reserved for when I’ve been with “The Girl” or another female partner. It involves nothing more than, after having provided Master C of a full account of what I’ve got up to with the other woman, He gives me a very thorough fucking, usually precluded by a spanking and almost always resulting in my mouth, cunt and arse all being roughly all being fucked by His lovely cock just to “remind me of what I missed”. With the exception of the watching and humiliation, the other punishments are still very much part of life (although I have to be quite creative to earn some of the harsher corporal punishments at the moment), but I do miss the punishment fucks, and I definitely miss the reasons for receiving them.

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Impulsively bad behaviour


I think I may have mentioned that I am, quite unashamedly, a slut. Promiscuity has pretty much always been second nature to me and monogamy almost unthinkable. Even within the confines and context of my relationship, much of my submission to Him comes from the fact that He allows me to channel my impulsive sluttiness in ways that allow me freedom to indulge that aspect of my personality, albeit in a framework of control and discipline and a need to accept responsibility for my actions.

I’m not sure if engaging in casual sex is necessarily “bad” but in my younger days, it did have a lot of negative connotations. Yes, I enjoyed sex then just as much as I do now. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase, and I particularly enjoyed being caught (and sometimes being the one doing the catching). And while, in the main, the sex was primarily and mainly for the enjoyment of a good fuck, it had a darker side too.

Yes, I enjoyed the anticipation, the teasing, the flirting, the seduction and, ultimately, the gratification (whether it be a drunken blow-job in the pub car park or an all night one-nighter at their place – I almost never took my victims/conquests back to mine). The sex was absolutely about all those things. If, upon a night out, I saw a guy or woman I fancied, the chances are I’d have had some form of sexual liaison with them before my night was finished. Many a quick drink after class/work ended with a “walk of shame” in the early hours for a shower, a couple of hours sleep and a change of clothes before heading back to lectures/work.

But, on top of the thrill and the enjoyment, often I was searching for a form of validation. I wasn’t good at relationships, but I was good at sex, or at least I hoped I was. As much as I crave those times when Master C calls me His “good girl”, I needed to hear how good a fuck I was, how amazing it felt when I sucked a guy off, how much a woman enjoyed me going down on her, how much partners of either sex enjoyed my taste. The validation was almost as addictive as the anticipation and gratification, and the more I received, the more I craved it. I was an addict searching for their next fix.

The irony was that the more praise I received, the less it satisfied me, and the more I needed but, at the same time, the very act of seeking it out had an almost cancelling effect on my self worth. I wasn’t just a slut, I was a worthless slut. I didn’t deserve gratification or validation because I was cheap, an easy lay, the town bike. Of course I could have a relationship because, once they’d fucked me, who would actually want a relationship with someone like me who was emotionally incapable of being faithful.

I’ve come a long way since those days. I’m still impulsive, I still have sex with random men/women on nights out, I still love all the things about these encounters as I did then: the excitement, the recognition and appreciation of me as a sexual and sexy person. Obviously, I still enjoy being told how good I am (or how bad I am if I’m being honest), but now, largely down to Master C’s guidance, nurture and discipline, I fully appreciate my worth, I am good enough. There is no shame to having a high sex drive and in allowing myself to act upon such impulses as feel inclined to act upon. I know now that I am not cheapening myself, I am simply engaging in an enjoyable pastime. I know that such “punishment” as is required will be agreed with and administered by Master C and that any acts of “atonement” will be performed willingly.

And that’s the thing, I’ve alluded to this before but, when it comes to discipline, Master C does not decide unilaterally what form my chastisement will take. As part of the acceptance of responsibility I am required to consider my actions, the seriousness of them and to consider what would be the appropriate “tariff” for the transgression. It maybe six lashes of his belt, it may be a form of humiliation in front of members of our “Circle”, it may be that he denies me an orgasm for a number of days or chooses not to let me receive His load when He comes. It could be a combination of any of these, but we always discuss and consider and ultimately agree what form it takes so I never have any grounds to complain that it is unfair.

Sadly, at the moment, my opportunities to engage in my bad habits are extremely limited and I look forward to a time when I can be impulsive again. Until then, when it comes to incurring Master C’s correction, I just need to be creative.

Maintaining me


My submission is a form of self-care, in that I am placing my wellbeing in His hands because Master C knows what support I need and what form it needs to be provided in. When Master C lays his belt on my skin, it is every bit as much for me as it is for Him.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a spanking as much as any nasty little slutty submissive, but when I really need a restoration of my equilibrium, the only thing that will really provide this is His belt.

People looking in from the outside might just see it as a way for Master C to inflict pain, but it is amazing how, in that moment, just how centring and rebalancing a thrashing can be. I literally rediscover myself in the kiss of His belt on my skin.

With each deliciously painful, stinging lash, it breaks me down, allows the worries, stresses tensions and fears to be released and then, when, with the hot tears still stinging in my eyes,  Master C takes me, uses me, fucks me; it rebuilds me and makes me whole again. It restores my being. I need the pain, I need the biting kiss of the leather on my skin, I need the heat as the glow spreads over the surface of my arse; a heat that spreads to my cunt, making me wet and hungry to have His cock inside me.

I realise that people may find it strange, but it is a very basic need within me; the need to be taken apart and rebuilt; a need that Master C knows so well and is most wonderfully attentive to.

When I thank Him (frequently with a blow-job), I am thanking Master C for the pain of the thrashing, the pleasure of the climaxes He elicits from me, and the restoration of self that the combination of pain and pleasure gives me. That “thank you” blow-job is as much a part of the process as the thrashing itself; it is a vital as the fuck that follows His belt and is part of the aftercare. It is where Master C gives me that opportunity to enjoy my newly recentred balance by indulging in something that, in doing it, in sucking His wonderful cock, I derive as much pleasure from as Master C receives in having me suck it.

This year has been so shit in so many ways, and I simply couldn’t have endured it without Master C. He has given me support and strength, nurture and guidance, direction and correction, but most of all He has given me love; He has given me Him. For that I am truly blessed and grateful.

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Empowerment through sucking cock


I have to admit, I never really give a lot of thought to the mechanics of sex and their impact on the greater world of sexual politics; basically, if I enjoy it, then, fuck yeah, do it to me baby, is about as deep and philosophical as I get on the subject. However, with sex, as with all things in life, there is a certain power balance between men and women, and that balance is generally tilted in the direction of the man.

When we get right down to it, no matter how much we women enjoy it, or how enthusiastically we participate, the truth is that most sexual activities involve things that are done to us.  It is, at the end of the day, our cunts and our arses that are being penetrated and it is his cock that is doing the penetrating. Now, that’s fine, that’s the way nature designed us. As a woman, my body is made to receive, and believe me, I do enjoy being receptive; and the more forcefully a man gives, the more receptive I become.

Even the language of sex is orientated towards the male perspective.  We talk about women being “taken”, I will tell Master C that I want Him to “use” me, or that He“owns” me.  And, if we’re being brutally honest with ourselves, even our own bodies conspire against us, given that it takes us much longer, generally, to get off than it does for men.

There are a couple of activities however, where the balance shifts.  The first is the humble hand-job and the second is the blow-job.  With these two activities, it is us women doing it to the men.  OK, so ultimately it still leads to his orgasm, but we have the power to grant or deny that release.

I gave my first blow-job at the tender age of 14.  It was a special present for my then boyfriend’s 15th birthday. With my lack of experience, I probably wasn’t very good, but as it was the first time that the recipient had ever had his cock sucked, he was hardly in a position to make comparisons. But even then, at that young age, with no experience at all, and a cock in my mouth for the first time, and me wondering if I was doing it right, the thing I became increasingly aware of was that I was in charge. The stirrings in his cock were down to me, the moans of pleasure were down to me. Even when he put his hand on the back of my head, trying to force his cock deeper into my throat, that was all down to me. He was going to come, and that was down to me.  I could choose to tease him, I could deny him his release and that too, would be down to me.

Actually, I was kidding myself a bit about denying him, given the novelty of the experience, he blew his load pretty quickly, but that in itself was confirmation; I had caused a boy to completely lose control; he couldn’t have stopped himself from coming even if he had wanted to, and that was all down to me, and the feeling of power it gave me was an immense turn-on.

As I grew in cock-sucking experience, I learned that my mouth could be used pretty much like a weapon, to give or deny a man pleasure at my choosing.

There is a contradiction to the blow-job. When you look at it in one way, getting down on your knees in front of a man and taking his cock in your mouth seems like one of the most submissive and subservient things a woman can do, and to an extent, this is true.  I love it when Master C orders me to get down on my knees and suck His cock, or when He force-feeds His cock to me after it’s been in my cunt, and it is covered in my juices. But, at the same time, however submissive I am, and however submissive the act of sucking His cock  may appear on the outside, knowing I have the power to grant or deny a man release, puts me, the cock-sucker, in a very dominant position over the cock-suckee.

Of course, most of the time, when I’m sucking a cock, I’m not thinking any of these things, I’m simply enjoying having my lips wrapped around a glorious piece of man-meat. Whether it’s part of foreplay that’s going to progress to me getting my brains well and truly fucked out, or whether I’m doing it simply because I think the man in question deserves a blow-job and I’m going to hungrily swallow down his cum at the end, doesn’t really matter.  At the end of the day, I’m a cock-sucking slut, who loves the feeling of a cock sliding between my lips, along my tongue until the swollen head lodges in the back of my throat, making me cough and my eyes water.

Sometimes, however, I take great satisfaction in knowing that, for as long as I have a cock in my mouth, I’m in charge…