Meditations on submission

The “No True Way” prompt this week is:

Spend some time every day meditating on your submission, even if you can only spend 15 minutes or so.

Now, this got me thinking.

I’m a great believer in meditation and it is something I will make the time to do every day. When I meditate, however, I’m not really thinking about anything at all. If anything, it’s quite the reverse and I am consciously emptying my mind of thought, just focussing on the moment, counting my breaths, or my heartbeats, or, if I’m outdoors, just listening to the sounds of nature around me. The whole point of meditation is to clear my mind, not to make it examine something.

So, the simple answer to the prompt is that I do not meditate on my submission. The simple fact is that my submission is so deeply ingrained into who I am that it is something I don’t really need to consider. I’ve written before about how, for me, my submission is both conscious and unconscious; how it is who I am, even when I am simply going about my everyday life. My submission is active when I am doing something at Master C’s behest, e.g. when I am undertaking a task, when I am being disciplined, when we are ducking; but it is also passive in that I am still submissive when I am at work, or when I’m shopping, or even when I’m asleep.

But sex, and my submission, can themselves be meditative. Nothing restores my equilibrium than a toe-curling, back-arching, strength-sapping orgasm or too. When I’m fucking, the only thing in my mind is how it feels and how it makes me feel. When I’m sucking cock, the only thing I’m concentrating on is the cock that I’m sucking and the pleasure I am giving. When Master C’s belt is lashing my skin, it is also cleansing my mind. For me, pain is a great restorative; it provides me with a reset.

And that brings me to the most meditative aspect of my submission, and that is when Master C takes me to that place known as subspace. It’s that sweet spot where pain and pleasure combine to take me out of myself. It is a timeless, transcendental state where my submission becomes a total surrender; I am no longer in my body, I become a personification of sensation.

Sometimes my need is overwhelming. I need to be broken down and rebuilt. The most powerful and deepest state of subspace is when Master C takes me to this particular level, when nothing is “off limits”, when He uses the freedom to do whatever He pleases to me to its fullest; banishing my demons and satisfying my darkest desires and needs.

So, while I don’t meditate on my submission, my submission often does transport me into what can only be described as a meditative state that restores and enriches my body, mind and soul.

Giving

The thought to consider on No True Way this week is:

“Submission is a gift“

I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve never actually thought of my submission in such a way before. To me, submission is more a kind of formal acknowledgement of my role (and responsibilities) within the relationship Master C and I share. In a way, now that I consider it, I can see where the idea comes from.

My submission is something that I freely offered to Master C, and something that He chose to accept. In choosing to submit to Him, I offer Him my services and my body to use as He deems appropriate.

I have mentioned before that my submission isn’t a one-way way thing; both of us have responsibilities towards each other. In that respect, Master C’s Domination is as much a gift to me as my submission is a gift to Him. Even beyond the D/s dynamic, or relationship is built on us giving freely of ourselves to each other individually and to “us” as a couple. Similarly, we both take what we need from our relationship as well. We both support and care for each other, we both attend to each other’s needs and desires. For us, D/s is a framework that underpins our relationship. Again, as I have discussed, even when we are not actively undertaking anything sex, kink, or D/s related, e.g. when we are both at work or, at the other extreme, when we are both asleep, I am still His submissive and Master C is still my Dominant.

In a way, the “gift” isn’t actually my submission, because my submissiveness is merely part of my nature and makes me who I am; the “gift” I give Master C is, essentially, me and everything I bring to our relationship. The same is equally true in the opposite direction; the greatest gift Master C gives me is, quite simply, Himself. We give ourselves to each other equally, freely and without reservation and, in doping so, we create something that is greater than our individual selves.

His orgasm

The topic under discussion on No True Way this week is:

“It is a submissive’s responsibility to make sure the dominant (always) reaches orgasm.“

Now, I’ve touched on responsibilities before, and my view is that both the Dominant and the submissive have responsibilities to each other; how these responsibilities are discharged in practice will, naturally, depend very much on the nature of the D/s dynamic that is in place.

When it comes to Master C’s orgasm, I tend to disagree with the above. That isn’t to say that the statement is wrong, per se, it’s just that it doesn’t fit with how we do things.

Now, granted, there will be times when the task (and therefore the responsibility) of bringing Master C will be mine. For example, when I am giving Him a blow-job. In such a case, I am using my mouth (and, possibly hands) to excite and arouse Him, to pleasure Him and, when the time is right, to provide for His release. Ultimately, in this situation, when Master C comes, it is entirely down to me and what I have done. The only thing Master C has needed to do is to be there, sit/lie back, and have His cock sucked; everything else is down to me. It’s probably one of my most frequent “tasks” and it is one that I always apply myself to diligently, and with relish. Having my mouth filled with Master C’s hot, thick cum is a reward I will never tire of working to achieve.

In pretty much any other circumstance, however, Master C’s orgasm pretty much takes care of itself. When He fucks me, He will come. My responsibility, as much as it can be described as one, is merely to provide the means by which Master C achieves orgasm. My responsibility is to be at His disposal should He desire to use my body fir His gratification and satisfaction. My mouth/throat, my cunt and my arse are, to all intents and purposes, the tools that Master C employs to bring Himself to climax; I am there to be used. Does being is to use as He deems appropriate make me in any way responsible for the outcome of that use? Not actively, I believe. After all, if He weren’t fucking me, Master C could be fucking one of the other women in our sharing circle and the end result, i.e. His orgasm, would still be achieved.

And that, I suppose, is another factor to consider; the fact that, in being non-monogamous, I am not always involved in Master C’s orgasms. Granted, within our circle, the other women are, to a greater or lesser degree, submissive, but none of them are His submissive; I am Master C’s submissive.

Perversely, rather than me always being responsible for Master ‘s orgasm, within our particular dynamic, He is largely responsible for mine. Not entirely so, of course; I am generally free to masturbate (unless under specific instruction not to), and I have my other partners who also make me come, but when it comes to sex with Master C, I largely put my orgasm in His hands (or His mouth) and allow Him to determine not only when, but if I am permitted to come.

Dynamics are, of course, individual. This is how it works for us, but it is entirely possible that in other dynamics, the responsibility for the ensuring the Dominant partner comes, rests with the submissive and forms part of their duties towards the Dominant partner. Intellectually, I can see how this might work, but it isn’t the way our dynamic operates, and, you know what, that suits us just fine.

Deconstruction

This week’s “No True Way” is on the subject of being broken down:

“A submissive needs to be broken down by their dominant“

It’s a subject that I have written about before, as it is definitely something that, within my dynamic with Master C, I need and rely upon Him to do. It’s not so much the need to be broken, it’s the need to be taken apart, to release whatever negative energy is keeping me down, and then to be put back together, refreshed and renewed.

For me, pain is an essential when it comes to being “reset”. Master C, being particularly attuned to me moods and their accompanying needs, is usually very good at picking up on when such a reset is needed. Sometimes however, as I’ve previously mentioned, when I need Him to know how badly it is required, I will retreat to the cage, for Him to find me. That is my way of telling Him that there are no restraints on what I am prepared to accept: the clamps around my nipples can be tightened to the absolute maximum, He can wield whatever implement of chastisement He choses to employ as often and with as much force as He deems fit, He can yank my head back by my hair as hard and as far as it will go as He fucks me, He can choke me to the point of almost passing out. In essence, when Master C finds me in the cage, He knows that I am prepared to accept anything up to the point of me resorting to our “stop signals”.

In these circumstances, it isn’t about discipline, or punishment; I haven’t failed in some task or committed some transgression. In these instances it is all about the need for release.

In part, the preparation is as much a part of it. The blindfold so I don’t know what He is going to do. The ball-gag being put in my mouth so I can’t cry out. The clamps being tightened around my nipples. Being frog0marched over to Master C’s “workbench”, being forced roughly on to its hard wooded surface that pushes the clamps on my nipples into my boobs. It’s the harsh, rope bindings around my ankles that will chafe and burn my skin as I struggle. It’s the hook in my arse with its intricate harness that allows my hair to be bound into it, and then twisted to the required tightness. and then there is the waiting before Master C decides what He is going to do.

Often, in these circumstances, His belt will serve simply as an appetiser, a warm-up; turning the cheeks of my arse a rosy red as each lash lands. He will return to my arse later, but next He will remove the ball from my mouth and fuck my face, squeezing my neck with His strong hands as His cock roughly pounds my throat.

He comes, coating my face with a thick load of cum, then picks up the cane.

It swooshes menacingly through the air as it traces an arc towards my backside. It hurts, so much more than the belt does, and so much more because the belt has already done its work.

A twist of the hook harness pulls my hair tighter, pulling my head back further. The rope burns against my ankles.

By the time Master C is finally inside me, fucking me hard from behind while pulling my arms toughly back behind me, I will have been thoroughly beaten and used. If I’m lucky, as His cock takes me, I will have slipped into that almost transcendental state of sub-space, that dissociated almost out of body state of calm, where I can almost observe what is being don to me.

I know that, whatever happens, Master C will ensure that I will begiven the release of climax before He comes again, either in my cunt or over my back.

First my orgasm, and then His, is were the restoration commences. It continues as He unbinds me. It continues as He takes me in His arms, wipes away my tears, strokes my hair. It continues as He gentle massages the soothing balm into my skin, relieving some of the burning from where the cane bit. It continues as He makes me comfortable, and pours me a glass of wine. It continues because Master C is there, He is with me, and I am His.

There are times when the need to be broken like this is fundamental; it goes right to the core of my being. Each time, however, from the ashes I am reborn. I am refreshed and rebuilt. It is one of the greatest gifts that being Master C’s submissive gives me, and one that He gives with such care.

It’s all sex

The current prompt on No True Way is:

Sex means PIV*

Everything else is foreplay, petting, making out, etc

*PIV means Penis In Vagina

I suspect that it will probably come as no surprise to anyone reading this, that the above statement is one that I disagree with pretty strongly.

As recently as my previous post, I wrote about what fucking meant to me. I get fucked in my mouth and throat, I get fucked in my cunt, I get fucked in my arse, Master C fucks me, “The Other Guy” fucks me, “The Girl” fucks me, random strangers fuck me, and I fuck them. It is me that is fucking and getting fucked, the particular hole or erogenous zone in use at any given time is simply the means by which my partner is fucking me at that point in time.

Now, I’ve also written about foreplay. In my view, depending on how you define it, any activity can be foreplay. Kissing, cuddling and caressing can be foreplay. Having my boobs played with can be foreplay. Me sucking a partner’s cock can be foreplay. A partner licking my clit and/or fingering my cunt can be foreplay. At the same time, having Master C walk into the room and sternly telling me to “Bend over!” can, for me, be foreplay.

For me foreplay isn’t any particular act; foreplay is about working on my mind, it’s about getting me aroused and ready to fuck. Foreplay can often be a series of text messages from Master C, spread throughout the day, telling me what he intends to do to me when we’re together that evening. It can be Him coming up behind me and kissing my neck when I’m busy in the kitchen. It can be me feeling the hardness of His morning erection pressed firmly against me as we snuggle together, barely awake in the time before rising from bed to start the day. It can be Him bending me over and thrashing my arse with His belt as I atone for some misdeed.

For the most part, foreplay acts on my mind. That’s not to say there is no physical activity involved, because often there is, but it is the process of turning the abstract into the actual; it’s about flicking all the right switches that move me from a state of being potentially available for sex into actively desiring and needing sex there in that moment.

The form that the sex takes depends largely on who I’m with and the mood we are in. With “The Girl”, it will involve a lot of kissing, caressing, exploring each other’s bodies with fingers, lips and tongues. It may involve toys, and it will absolutely involve fingering and feasting on each other’s cunts. There are no penises involved, but it is very definitely sex.

With Master C, or “The Other Guy”, it may be that all that happens is that I suck their cocks. Often when Master C is tired, I will give Him a long, slow blow-job to help Him unwind and relieve the stresses of a hard day. He might fuck me later, or He might not, but it’s still sex. It may be that Master C, or “The Other Guy” decide that they are only interested in fucking me in the arse. I’m certainly not going to complain; I’m still getting fucked, and it’s still sex. I may have one of my random encounters where all that happens is that I get down on to my knees and suck them off in a dark alley way. That is very definitely still sex. If I am in a threesome and I’m going down on one partner while the other fucks me in the cunt or arse, I am not engaging in foreplay with one while having sex with the other, I am fucking and being fucked by both of them; it is all still sex.

If I were to try and define both in simplistic terms, I would describe foreplay as being about arousal whereas sex is about gratification; they both take many forms and involve different acts depending on the circumstances they are performed in and the person (or persons) they are being performed with.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of having my cunt stretched, filled and pounded by a cock, but that is just one particular sexual activity. I equally love the same being done to my arse. similarly, I love having my cunt feasted on and I love feasting on another woman’s cunt, and I definitely love sucking cock. All of these, to me, are sex.

I guess, what I’m saying is, sex is simply whatever you decide it is.

Duty of care

The current No True Way prompt is:

“Aftercare is mandatory for subs.”

There is a certain ambiguity in the way that it is phrased. Does it mean that it is mandatory for the Dominant partner to provide after care to their submissive, or is it implying that the submissive must must care for their Dominant?

I suspect, in the general D/s context it is the former; particularly in the aftermath of any form of impact/discipline/torture/S&M session of your choice. It’s true, after a (very literally) bruising session, I definitely need all the care I can get; be that physical relief in the form of soothing balms being applied to my inflamed skin, the the emotional care of being wrapped up in Master C’s strong arms and listening to His soothing words. In that specific context, within our particular dynamic, given the level of pain I will have almost certainly had to endure because of my own masochistic tendencies, then it would be fair to say that, yes, the provision of aftercare is Master C’s responsibility. It is a responsibility that He takes very seriously. His strong hands, firmly but gently applying the soothing, cool aloe balm to my tender skin after a thrashing/flogging/caning is actually every bit as much a part of the “session” as everything that went before it. The bath He runs for me, the glass of wine He pours for me, the gentle reassuring words, the hugs, the caresses are all a very important part of the whole episode.

But what about Him? What about Master C’s feelings and emotions following an intense S&M session? While He knows and understands that not only can I endure the pain that He inflicts, my emotional make up means that I actually need it some times. I have written before about how I periodically need to be broken down and rebuilt in order to fully release the stresses and tensions of living. Knowing that I need it does not make any easier for Him to inflict it upon me. It’s not easy to deliberately inflict pain and cause hurt to a person you love, even when you know it’s what the want and need. It requires a kind of emotional strength that carries its own price. And for that reason, aftercare, for us, is very much a two way thing. I need to reassure Master C that I will willingly accept the physical pain that His belt, or the flogger, or the cane or the paddle inflicts. I need to assure Him that the welts and bruises on my back and buttocks are symbols that I wear with pride; they are the marks that He, and only He has and can put on my skin. I reassure Master C with my words, and also with my actions. It turns out that a long, slow, sensual blow-job is the most effective cure for “Dom-drop”; which is fortunate for both of us I guess.

But, what this illustrates, once again, is a point I have made on a number of occasions; namely that a D/s relationship is, first and foremost, a relationship. The aftercare element of D/s, is simply an extension of the care and support that we provide each other in all other aspects of our lives. We care for each other and support each other every single day; being in a D/s relationship doesn’t change that; in fact, I would go as far as to say it enhances it because of the need for extra care in those particularly vulnerable moments.

Trusting someone enough to actually let them hurt you is actually quite a big thing for both parties. I know that Master C is aware of my limits. While we may have the equivalent of a safe word, it is something I almost never resort to and on those rare occasions I do, it’s because of me, not something that Master C is doing because He never attempts to force me to use it. When Master C is doing something particularly rough or that causes me a degree of pain, He will often ask things like “Your enjoying this, aren’t you?” or “You want more of this don’t you, you slut?” or “You need a few more lashes/strokes, don’t you?” On the surface, these questions actually do have their literal meaning, Master C is actually asking me those very questions, but He is also checking in with me and reaffirming that I am happy and willing to continue. The language may sound demeaning (which is important because it plays to my humiliation fetish) but it is just another example of the care Master C takes. In it’s own way, Him asking/telling me “You need the brat thrashed out of you, don’t you?” is no different to Him asking me if I need help with a particular “vanilla” task in everyday life; the only thing that is different is the context.

So, once again, I’ve used several rambling, stream of consciousness paragraphs that essentially boil down to, yes, aftercare is mandatory for submissives, both the receipt of said aftercare and to provide it too and that applies both within the D/s context of the relationship and in everyday life as well.

Going down

I cannot lie, I am a massive fan of oral sex in all its forms. I love having my cunt eaten out and I also love feasting on the cunts of my female partners. I love having Master C roughly fuck my throat, treating my mouth as nothing more than another hole to be used by His cock. Finally, and it goes without saying and will come as no surprise to readers of this blog, I simply cannot get enough when it comes to sucking cock. With that in mind, I have some thoughts on this week’s No True Way teaser:

“I love going down on a woman/man, but I’d never go down on my sub”

Now, clearly, being the sub in my relationship, I don’t have a sub of my own, but as mentioned above, I do love going down and being gone down on.

First off, I don’t believe there is anything inherently dominant or submissive about the act of performing oral sex as and of itself; it is simply using our mouths to give our partners pleasure. As often as not, when I’m sucking a cock, even when it’s Master C’s cock, I’m not doing it as an act of submission, I am doing it because I love sucking cock and I want to suck cock.

That’s not to say that sucking cock can’t be a submissive gesture, because it can. That, however is more to do with the circumstances the scenario and the mood rather than the act itself. There are the rituals, the performances, the nuances that differentiate between a simple, honest to goodness, I want His cock in my mouth blow-job and an act of submission whereby I am sucking His cock by way of performing a “service” of as confirmation of Master C’s Domination.

There are also times, as I’ve written before, where there is a certain power reversal, in as much as I am the one in control. Master C is still Dominant, and I am still submissive, but I am using my moth to be in control of His pleasure; His orgasm will be because of what I do to Him rather than what He does to me.

The flip side of this is when Master C goes down on me. In the main, He does this for a number of reasons:

• He knows how much I enjoy it when He does it.
• He enjoys doing it.
• His pleasure is heightened by the knowledge of the pleasure He is causing me to experience.

There is, however, absolutely nothing submissive or any lessening of Master C’s Dominance when He goes down on me, however. In actual fact, when Master C is eating my cunt, He is still very much the Dominant partner. With His lips and tongue, Master C can choose to grant or deny me the release of orgasm. As a “tool” for edging me, it is probably without rival. The skill with which He can take me to the edge of the orgasmic abyss and then hold me there for what can seem like an eternity, that point where pleasure becomes torture, and so becomes an even greater pleasure, is almost indescribable. When Master C goes down on me, He has a control over my body and my responses that is greater and more finely tuned than is unmatched in anything else he does to me.

So, all of this is, I guess, a rather long-winded way of me saying, when I go down on Master C, it can be a submissive act, but, more often than not, it isn’t, it’s simply me enjoying having His cock between my lips, and when Master C goes down on me, it is most definitely not a submissive act in any way shape or form.

As with so many things in D/s, it’s not the act or the activity itself that is Dominant or submissive, it is the way the act is performed.

In position

So, the teaser to consider this week on No True Way is this:

“Every submissive should know their positions, so they can please their Master when needed.”

Now, I’m fairly indifferent to positions myself. Largely I go with whatever just happens and whatever fits the mood that either Master C or I (or both of us) are in, or the kind of activity we are indulging in at any specific time. For as much as I love being on all fours, being taken hard in the cunt or the arse from behind, while my head is being yanked roughly backwards by Master C pulling roughly on a fistful of my hair, I also love the closeness and intimacy of the full body contact that plain old missionary position sex provides. I’m happy to brace myself against a kitchen unit or in a doorway in an alley somewhere for a frantic quickie, but I’m equally happy having a long, drawn out session entwined on the sofa.

To me, the position really isn’t all that important; what matters is that I’m getting fucked, that one (or sometimes more) of my holes has a cock in it, that I am enjoying being used and that the other person/persons are enjoying using me. The position or positions employed will largely be dictated by the circumstances and location. Often, Master C will instruct with simple commands, e.g. “On your knees” or “Turn around” or “Bend over”; just as often things will change organically, positions changing as we transition from one activity to another.

There is one exception to this, however, and it’s when I am either told to, or choose to, adopt the “Waiting Position”. The waiting position is basically me, naked, on my knees, hands behind my back, eyes downcast. Sometimes Master C will instruct me to adopt this position while He attends to other matters. Sometimes I will voluntarily adopt this position, in order to welcome Him home from work, or simply to let Him know that I am ready to perform some service.

A variation on this is the “Corrective Waiting Position”. It is broadly the same but, instead of my hands being behind my back, they are raised in a supplicant position in front of, and slightly above my head, Master C’s belt resting across my palms.

Again, sometimes I will be commanded to assume this position, while Master C reminds me of the transgression I have committed and makes sure that I fully understand why I need to be disciplined for it. On other occasions, when I know I have done something (or fucked someone) that requires correction, I will assume this position and wait for Him to observe me in it; the act of supplication, of asking for correction, being part of my atonement.

Largely though, through the familiarity that comes of being together so long, I’ve learned how to read Master C’s moods and accompanying needs. Knowing these as well as I do, I can pretty much anticipate what He is likely to want to do, and which positions most readily accommodate such actions. At the same time, however, it would be wrong of me to be presumptive. While I may be aware of the positions I need to assume, it is not my place to get above myself and make assumptions about what He wants to do. While I have a certain degree of leeway to anticipate His needs or to take the lead and to act of my own volition, my preference is to seek direction so that I can better be of service in attending to Him because, ultimately, I want to please Him and be rewarded for being His “Good girl!”

One way or another

This week, on No True Way, we’re being asked to consider the following:

“A switch is not a real Dom/sub.”

Now, this is not a topic I really have any experience with but, as with all things, I would say that context is key.

I am pretty sure that there is absolutely no way that anyone would ever consider me to be Dominant, especially in my relationship with Master C, but as I have mentioned many times on here, being submissive does not, in the context of our dynamic, mean me being passive and having no input into what goes on, or the kind of things I want to do and have done to me.

I’ve written before that Master C expects me to communicate my wants, needs and desires, and we have evolved a means by which I can do this in a way that is consistent with my submission to him. As my Master, He is, of course, free to interpret and act upon my requests as He sees fit; but that is how it should be.

There are also times where it suits Master C to let me take the lead. He is happy for me to do “the heavy lifting” as it were, and provide most of the effort while He enjoys the fruits of my efforts. This doesn’t make me any less submissive; it is simply another way in which I care for Him and provide for His needs.

Of course, as anyone who reads this blog will be fully aware, Master C, is not the only person that I have sex with. In addition to our poly sharing circle, there are both “The Girl” and “The Other Guy” and there are also my randoms.

Within the sharing circle, I am absolutely submissive. I may occasionally be required to “Dominate” one of the other submissives in the group, but that does not come naturally to me, and I am still doing it as a submissive act in that I am doing it for the gratification of either Master C, or the Master of the other submissive that I am being required to “Dominate”. Essentially though, it is play acting. I do it because that is the task that has been set me, not because I am naturally inclined to do so.

With “The Other Guy”, while I do not submit to him, where our kinks are concerned, I am still the submissive partner. I will still ask him if he would like me to suck his cock, or if he would like to eat me out or fuck my arse. I will still take instruction from him when he tells me to bend over, or get down on my knees/all fours. I am still very much submissive even though I am not his submissive.

When I am with “The Girl”, there really isn’t any D/s element to our sex at all. We’ve know each other since childhood, been sexual partners since our teens and we just do what feels right and comes naturally to us. Where such things require it, we will take it in turns to be the one doing things to the other, but there is no primacy between us; we simply share the moments we have together and do whatever happens.

The only time that sex is entirely on my own terms is with a random. I single them out, I pick them off, and then we do whatever it is I’m in the mood for, whether that simply be sucking them off or getting fucked in the arse in a dark alley. With randoms it’s really all about what I want from a partner in that moment; it’s the rush, the thrill and excitement of the illicit in the sure and certain knowledge that I will be punished for it later.

Now, while my extra-curricular couplings undoubtedly confirm my slut credentials, none of these things, however, qualifies me as a “switch”. at the end of the day, I submit to Master C, and only to Master C. He is the only one to whom my submission has been offered. Again, as I have written before, I am His submissive at all times, not just when we are engaging in sex or kink related activities. I am His submissive when I’m at work, I am His submissive when I’m pushing the trolley round the supermarket (irrespective of whether or not I’ve been instructed to wear a butt-plug, nipple-clamps, ben-wa balls while I am out and about), I am His submissive when I’m asleep. To me, “switching” doesn’t enter into it, it doesn’t matter what I am doing or, indeed, who I am doing it with, I have submitted to Master C and I am His submissive in every way and at all times.

Open access

This week’s prompt on No True Way is:

“A good girl is always available.”

Now, it is true that, within the context of my relationship I am pretty much “always available”, and that if I perform “my services” well, Master C will call me His “Good girl”, but I’m not sure whether always being available, makes me a good girl or whether being a good girl means I am always available.

I suspect, if it’s either, it’s largely the former; largely because I am “availability” means that quite often (although sadly not recently), I am actually a very BAD girl.

I suspect the context to this is it’s not the availability that defines goodness/badness, but the who I am making myself available to.

I freely admit (and have done so frequently on this blog), that I enjoy casual sexual encounters with random men. I’ve possibly mellowed a little as I’ve got older, largely due to having my regular additional partners in “The Other Guy” and “The Girl”, and through our poly “Sharing Circle”, but there is still an element of, if I fancy someone, there’s a good chance I may end up fucking them. This, of course, is why I am often (although currently not nearly as often as I’d wish, to the point that I can currently only think about such things), a bad girl. And, of course, bad girls absolutely have to be punished. Now, because I am an absolute glutton for punishment, my natural inclination to put my “availability” to use means that I am frequently a bad girl. I am, however, also willing to accept responsibility for my misbehaviour, and therefore freely accept whatever discipline Master C chooses to apply. The fact that I accept such discipline from Him, and regularly “thank” Him for His correction by sucking His cock afterwards as a means of showing my genuine contrition for my transgressions, is one of the things that sometimes earns me that coveted “Good girl” appellation.

On the other hand, as I have said countless times, part of my submission is that if Master C wants me, He is free to have me and use me in any way He sees fit, whenever He desires. He is also free to offer me within the context of our “Sharing Circle”, to other members. I am “required” to be available to Master C and to whomever He offers me to. I know that it pleases Master C when I perform my duties diligently and unquestioningly and, pleasing Master C is a very big part of my own pleasure. A large part of being Master C’s “Good girl” is my dedication to His pleasure; it is my duty and one I perform willingly and, as a result, my mouth, my cunt, and my arse are always available when He has a need and/or desire for them.

I’m still not entirely sure if always being available makes me a good girl, but then, perhaps, maybe sometimes I have to be a bad girl to be good.