The darkness inside


Content Warning: Sexual Violence (Consensual)

The current prompt on ‘Quote Quest‘ asks us to consider the following:

“Don’t Worry About The Darkness In My Soul. It Ignites Me Like An Embered Coal.
– Anon

I consider myself extremely fortunate that I have never suffered from a significant mental illness such as depression, anxiety or bi-polar disorder. I do, however, encounter these conditions and the people who suffer from, live with (and on occasions cannot live with) these conditions daily in my work. That isn’t to say that I never feel down, or disheartened. I have written a number of posts recently about the need for support from Master C; how much I rely on Him to recentre and rebalance me when pressures threaten to become overwhelming.

There is, however, something quite dark within me. I have written about it before. I have needs that need a certain edge to satisfy them. Partially, I think this is what has always driven me to sexual activities that are somewhat riskier; I need that fight or flight reaction that comes with the heightened sensitivity of increased risk/danger.

The past year has seen this darker side surface more often. Understandable perhaps, given the increased suffering I see due to Covid and the restrictions it places on lives, and the effect that dealing with other peoples’ live has on me; the extra pressures, the stresses and the increased feeling of helplessness in the face of something I cannot control.

All these things tap into my darkest desires, feeding my need for Master C to treat me with increasing roughness. I need to feel His hands tighten around my neck, starving me of breath as He forces His cock deep into my throat. I need the extra lashes of His belt, or strokes of the cane on my arse to unleash my tears and ultimately the healing flood of endorphins. I long to have Him grab a handful of my hair and pull my head back sharply, his other hand around my throat as He takes me hard from behind; fucking my cunt or arse with a force and brutal urgency that almost makes a lie out of the love Master C has for me.

I don’t just want this, I actually need it, I need to feel my oxygen staved lungs scream for breath. I need to feel the searing pain in my buttocks from whatever tool/implement He has used to turn them an angry, fiery crimson. I need to feel the harsh burn of the rope on my skin, bound around my wrists, my ankles, my arms, my legs, my neck. I need the agony of returning circulation to my extremities when He unties me. I need Him to slap me, to call me every abusive term He can as He fucks me with a brutal intensity. I need Him to bruise me. I need Him to use me.

I need the cathartic release that only Master C can deliver by taking me to the absolute extremes of my limits; and that only He can deliver simply because He knows how much I need it.

I know that these sessions are never easy for Master C. I know that they drain Him as much as, ultimately, they restore me. I know that He will require almost as much aftercare from me after one of these sessions as I require from Him. If you were to ask, Him, He would admit that this is one of the aspects of our relationship that He finds hardest; Master C is not really sadistic by nature, whereas I am very much masochistic. In the aftermath of a session like this, we heal each other. In a slightly perverse way, these sessions are where we recommit, unconditionally to each other.

My inner darkness can scare me, but Master C always manages to exorcise it, and to release me from its grip, until the next time it takes hold.

I don’t think it can be fully banished. I believe, even when dormant, it shapes so many of my wants, needs, desires and passions. It is a part of me that needs, occasionally, to be controlled, but it is what makes me the person I am. Master C understands this; He understands me. That, in a nutshell, is why I give Him my submission.

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6 thoughts on “The darkness inside

  1. David Mei February 10, 2021 / 8:24 pm

    I understand where you two are coming from. My Kitten needs similar treatment and I have a similar reluctance to causing her pain. However, in the bedroom the ability to give her what she needs roses to the surface with the control of love to keep from doing anything that would have her call a safe word. (We use traffic light 🚦 colors to monitor and I check in. )
    I have learned that when she is deep in sub space I have to be even more vigilant because she may not be able to cry orange or red.
    Understanding needs and abilities is very important. It is a pleasure to read how you and Master C cope.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mòrag February 11, 2021 / 10:22 am

    We kind of work it that if I’m still communicating in English, He’s free to continue; the moment I slip into Gaelic, that’s when He needs to be more careful. I’m kind of the same as your Kitten though, when I’m deep in that space, my communication may be very limited, but He always seems to know just what is needed.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. David Mei February 11, 2021 / 1:57 pm

    It is amazing the non-verbal communication between an good team.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Brigit Delaney February 11, 2021 / 2:06 pm

    It definitely sounds like you have both found in each other the perfect compliment. And it is a great freedom to be one’s true, dark self with another.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mòrag February 11, 2021 / 2:27 pm

    I think it’s important to be able to be truly open about needs and desires, no matter how dark or troubling they may seem from the outside. They need to have an outlet to stop them from turning inwards. I sometimes wish I could recommend BDSM in my professional capacity, but I accept that just because it works for me, it would not be appropriate for others (especially if they don’t know what they are doing).

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Brigit Delaney February 16, 2021 / 2:00 pm

    It is a very personal journey…not for everyone, but I would say it has helped me mentally and emotionally more than medications. So I definitely get the impetus to guide people toward it, even though it is obviously not a good idea professionally. People have to come to something like this on their own.

    Liked by 1 person

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