Impulsively bad behaviour


I think I may have mentioned that I am, quite unashamedly, a slut. Promiscuity has pretty much always been second nature to me and monogamy almost unthinkable. Even within the confines and context of my relationship, much of my submission to Him comes from the fact that He allows me to channel my impulsive sluttiness in ways that allow me freedom to indulge that aspect of my personality, albeit in a framework of control and discipline and a need to accept responsibility for my actions.

I’m not sure if engaging in casual sex is necessarily “bad” but in my younger days, it did have a lot of negative connotations. Yes, I enjoyed sex then just as much as I do now. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase, and I particularly enjoyed being caught (and sometimes being the one doing the catching). And while, in the main, the sex was primarily and mainly for the enjoyment of a good fuck, it had a darker side too.

Yes, I enjoyed the anticipation, the teasing, the flirting, the seduction and, ultimately, the gratification (whether it be a drunken blow-job in the pub car park or an all night one-nighter at their place – I almost never took my victims/conquests back to mine). The sex was absolutely about all those things. If, upon a night out, I saw a guy or woman I fancied, the chances are I’d have had some form of sexual liaison with them before my night was finished. Many a quick drink after class/work ended with a “walk of shame” in the early hours for a shower, a couple of hours sleep and a change of clothes before heading back to lectures/work.

But, on top of the thrill and the enjoyment, often I was searching for a form of validation. I wasn’t good at relationships, but I was good at sex, or at least I hoped I was. As much as I crave those times when Master C calls me His “good girl”, I needed to hear how good a fuck I was, how amazing it felt when I sucked a guy off, how much a woman enjoyed me going down on her, how much partners of either sex enjoyed my taste. The validation was almost as addictive as the anticipation and gratification, and the more I received, the more I craved it. I was an addict searching for their next fix.

The irony was that the more praise I received, the less it satisfied me, and the more I needed but, at the same time, the very act of seeking it out had an almost cancelling effect on my self worth. I wasn’t just a slut, I was a worthless slut. I didn’t deserve gratification or validation because I was cheap, an easy lay, the town bike. Of course I could have a relationship because, once they’d fucked me, who would actually want a relationship with someone like me who was emotionally incapable of being faithful.

I’ve come a long way since those days. I’m still impulsive, I still have sex with random men/women on nights out, I still love all the things about these encounters as I did then: the excitement, the recognition and appreciation of me as a sexual and sexy person. Obviously, I still enjoy being told how good I am (or how bad I am if I’m being honest), but now, largely down to Master C’s guidance, nurture and discipline, I fully appreciate my worth, I am good enough. There is no shame to having a high sex drive and in allowing myself to act upon such impulses as feel inclined to act upon. I know now that I am not cheapening myself, I am simply engaging in an enjoyable pastime. I know that such “punishment” as is required will be agreed with and administered by Master C and that any acts of “atonement” will be performed willingly.

And that’s the thing, I’ve alluded to this before but, when it comes to discipline, Master C does not decide unilaterally what form my chastisement will take. As part of the acceptance of responsibility I am required to consider my actions, the seriousness of them and to consider what would be the appropriate “tariff” for the transgression. It maybe six lashes of his belt, it may be a form of humiliation in front of members of our “Circle”, it may be that he denies me an orgasm for a number of days or chooses not to let me receive His load when He comes. It could be a combination of any of these, but we always discuss and consider and ultimately agree what form it takes so I never have any grounds to complain that it is unfair.

Sadly, at the moment, my opportunities to engage in my bad habits are extremely limited and I look forward to a time when I can be impulsive again. Until then, when it comes to incurring Master C’s correction, I just need to be creative.

14 thoughts on “Impulsively bad behaviour

  1. May More January 13, 2021 / 11:28 am

    I understand how the sexual validation becomes addictive – i think many of us are missing indulging our bad habits in these strange times! Thanks for linking up Morag
    May x

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Marie Rebelle January 13, 2021 / 11:31 am

    I think that praise from those we love is much more important than from a random stranger, but bottom line is that we need to accept (and praise) ourselves. Where others might look upon your way of doing as that of a slut, I like the freedom you have, and I think many would want to be in your shoes.
    ~ Marie

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Mòrag January 13, 2021 / 12:03 pm

    Thanks May. here’s to us all being able to misbehave a bit more freely in the not too distant future. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Mòrag January 13, 2021 / 12:06 pm

    Thanks Marie. In my work, I spend so much time telling people how important the need to accept and praise ourselves is. As with so many things, it’s so much easier to tell others to do something than it is to do it ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Silk Cords January 13, 2021 / 5:14 pm

    Another great post. 🙂 I think it’s great that you’ve learned to indulge yourself while being aware of the past negative reasons behind your behavior. Now you can (presumably) make healthier decisions about who you get naughty with.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Mòrag January 13, 2021 / 5:47 pm

    That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell and in a far more concise fashion than my rambling stream of consciousness on the subject, yes… 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  7. collaredmichael January 14, 2021 / 11:43 am

    Your freedom makes me envious. And yet I am completely happy with my Queen. Any dalliances I might imagine happen with my Queen playing a major role… so I guess threesomes and moresomes… lol

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Mòrag January 14, 2021 / 3:23 pm

    That sounds like a good arrangement to me. It all just comes down to what works within a relationship. I could try being “faithful” and monogamous, but I know I would either fail, and have to sneak behind Master C’s back, which would make me feel guilty, or I could deny that aspect of me and be unhappy most of the time. Master C recognises this and allows me sufficient freedom to meet my needs, while giving me a framework that allows me to be open and honest about my needs. Truth is, I enjoy being punished for my transgressions almost as much as I enjoy the deeds themselves, so I win both ways.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. MrsK January 14, 2021 / 4:26 pm

    “I think I may have mentioned that I am, quite unashamedly, a slut.”
    This is the best opening line ever! And I also feel very called out! lol
    I resonated so much with this. I also had a tendency for promiscuity and validation. My Sir has curbed that in me, but the desire is still there, It’s just controlled now.
    I’m so glad to hear that your Master gives you space you require to meet your needs. That’s so important to our happiness. It’s easy to let someone else fill all those spaces, it’s so much better when you can do it for yourself 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Mòrag January 14, 2021 / 4:39 pm

    Hi Mrs K
    I am, I admit very lucky that I have someone like Master C who understands my needs and allows me a framework in which to explore them. It isn’t for everyone, but it works for us, so I guess that’s all that matters.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. David Mei January 16, 2021 / 1:21 pm

    Morag, what a wonderful musing confession. You may be a slut but I am a Manwhore. Up until I met my Kitten I would get my self-worth fix from writing stories for women I would never meet or sexting over chats. Ultimately that behavior would end my second marital relationship. (We are still married on paper and mortgage but we haven’t consummated that relationship in almost 2 years!).
    Your post nailed whaT I’ve been coming to realize, I am a pleasure addict and finding healthy outlets is important.
    All my sexual needs are met by My Kitten and learning to dominate her has brought structure and focus to my emotional roller coaster and lusts.
    I like the way you write and your relationship sounds intriguing. I look forward to reading more of your writings.

    Like

  12. Mòrag January 16, 2021 / 8:35 pm

    I think the strongest relationships are those that allow the participants to grow and share, and not those that restrict and confine. Trust and respect are so much more important than requiring a restrictive monogamy.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. David Mei January 16, 2021 / 8:55 pm

    Agreed, I believe we were put on this earth to love and be loved by all worth loving.

    Like

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