Expressing my needs and wants


To a lot of people, D/s must look like it is weighted entirely of the Dominant partner; with them able to make demands upon the submissive to satisfy their own needs (any satisfaction the submissive derives would, seemingly, be secondary). I can kind of understand where that preconception comes from; D/s imagery does tend to depict the Dominant partner taking what they want from the submissive, inflicting their will upon them, while the submissive simply has to endure whatever treatment their Dominant metes out.

In a way, there is a kernel of “truth” to that view, but it does neglect the fact that the submissive is still human, has wants and needs of their own that need to be addressed and, ultimately, has as much right to withdraw consent as the the Dominant partner. The depictions really only give half the story; they show the “taking” side of the Dominant’s role, but they don’t depict the (in my opinion) even more important aspect, which is the “giving” side; the side that ensures the submissive’s needs are also being met.

So how does this work?

Well, each D/s relationship will have its own “rules” for the wants and needs of each partner are expressed.

Within our relationship, the basic premise is that Master C tells, whereas I ask.  It’s pretty much as simple as that. If Master C tells me that he is going to bend me over the arm of the sofa, spank me, then fuck me hard, I can be reasonably certain that I’m going to get bent over the sofa, have my arse spanked to a lovely warm glowing pinkness that has my cunt on fire, and then He will fuck me.

I should point out that I am allowed to say “no” or “stop”, but if I actually mean it, then it is said in Gaelic. I don’t really have a safe word, I kind of have a safe language.  Master C will happily ignore any sobbed cries of “no!” or “stop”, knowing I am happy for Him to continue. A “chan eil” or “stad” on the other hand, means I’ve had enough, or I’m not enjoying it, or I’m (unlikely as it may seem) just not in the mood. On the rare occasions that this is employed, I can pretty much guarantee that it will result in me having to “atone” in some way for depriving Him, but that’s all part of our dynamic too.

So, what about my needs? Well, as I said, I ask.  There are two ways of doing this, one is the pleading approach, such as, “I really want to feel your lovely cock inside me, will you please fuck me?” or, “Can I please suck your cock?”  The other approach is to phrase it in such a way as if I’m making a suggestion, such as, “My cunt is so wet, would you like to taste?” or “Would you like me to give you a blow-job?” or “Do you want to use my arse as well as my cunt?”.

The approach I adopt will depend, partially on circumstances, and partially on my mood. If Master C is in need of some TLC, I’ll tend to use the “suggestion” method, “Why don’t you just sit back and relax and your dutiful little slut will suck you cock? Would you like that?” If I’m the one that’s being needy, the the “pleading” method is more likely to be employed, “I really need to feel your lovely thick cock inside me. Will you please fuck me? Please?”

Of course, sometimes just happen organically in the moment. A cuddle on the sofa can end up with His cock being in my mouth, or His tongue on my clit before moving on to a slow, sensual shag or us fucking like wild animals on heat. Sometimes our needs take over and we don’t need to air them; we simply do what our bodies and moods dictate. For everything else, communication is the key.

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4 thoughts on “Expressing my needs and wants

  1. sub-Bee January 1, 2021 / 21:41

    I always struggled with the asking side of things, for years I felt I was topping from the bottom because I was asking. Thankfully, now I’ve got over that. If I ask it doesn’t mean I’m going to get but it makes him aware of what my needs are and he decides when, or if, m going to get it.

    Like

    • Mòrag January 4, 2021 / 14:41

      I think it’s a communication thing mostly. Master C was clear pretty much from the start that he wasn’t psychic and if I had needs that needed fulfilling, I needed to find a way to communicate them. What we have has evolved over time, but it works for us, and I guess that’s all that matters in the scheme of things.

      Like

  2. missy May 8, 2021 / 12:06

    I think this post is really helpful Morag as I know that many subs struggle to ask for things and the misconceptions of what submission is really don’t help. I think initially I had seen submission as being a passive thing in that I was simply responding but for us, in a lifestyle dynamic there are times where HL wants and needs me to be more active. missy x

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    • Mòrag NicEanraig May 11, 2021 / 11:54

      I’m not sure where it comes from but, as sub Bee mentions above, there seems to be a fear of being “seen” to be “topping from the bottom”. My view is, if that’s what works in your dynamic/relationship then who cares? It is really no one else’s business and if it works for you then it’s right. The whole point for sex is that we are supposed to enjoy it, not endure it and sex within a D/s context is no different in this respect.

      When I submit to Master C, it was on the basis that as well as providing discipline and correction, he guides, nurtures and nourishes me; and part of that “nourishing” is my sexual fulfilment. While He has a very good idea of what I like and what turns me into a molten puddle, He isn’t psychic and doesn’t know what I may or may not be in the mood for at any given time, so if I can’t find a way of expressing my needs/wants to Him, I really can’t complain if He doesn’t manage to satisfy them. That would be unfair on both of us, and it’s such a simple problem to address.

      Well, that’s what I think, at least; I accept others may struggle, but I’ve always had a thrawn streak in me.

      Liked by 1 person

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