In celebration of May being World Masturbation Month, I thought it might be fun to try and give an A-Z of wanks. You might have different names for some of these, but I’m sure you will recognise at least some of them.
A – The Anger Wank
We’ve all been there, a bad day at the office, a friend has pissed you off, you get home to find the cat has puked all over the sofa. You’re annoyed, you’ve had enough. What better way to work of your frustrations than dig out a favourite toy or two and give yourself a couple of shuddering orgasms. It won’t fix your problems, but it will make you feel better about things.
B – The Basic Wank
Can’t be bothered faffing around with toys, lube, etc.? Take it back to basics; enjoy a session with your fingers and your own natural lubricant. Relive the joy of those first furtive fingerings that you gave yourself so many years ago. Sometimes, less is more.
C – The Cunt Filler
Fingers not quite cutting it? Want to feel stretched and full? You remember that mammoth, super-sized dildo you’ve got stashed away for those “need a bit more” situations. Ram it in and feel that delicious fullness.
D – The Danger Wank
We all need excitement. The thrill of the risk of being caught adds to the arousal. It’s the wank in public or semi-public places.
E – The Eclectic Wank
You want to get off, but can’t quite decide how. Fingers? Toys? Frotting against an inanimate object? All of the aforementioned? It’s the wank where you use every tool in your arsenal to get yourself off.
F – The “Fuck This! I’m Having A Wank” Wank
Housework to be done? Ironing to be put away? Washing piling up? You know what, I can’t be arsed, I think I’ll have a wank first.
G – The Gratuitous Wank
The one you do in front of your partner because they are failing to meet your needs (can also be combined with The Anger Wank). You’re doing it for you, not for them. You’re having a wank and you don’t care if they know about it; in fact, you want them to know about it.
H – The Happy Wank
You’re in a great mood, you may or may not know the reason for this, but you’re sure as hell going to enjoy it. And what better way to make a little happiness go that bit further? Yup, work that clit/cock.
I – The Insecure Wank
First date nerves? Worried about if he/she will like/want to fuck you? Settle down and settle yourself before you go out with a quick reminder of just why you are fabulous.
J – The Jealous Wank
Just seen your ex with their latest partner? Feeling a bit down about it. Cheer yourself up with a reminder of what they are now missing out on: you. Can be combined with the Anger and Insecure wanks.
K – The Killer Wank
The kind of wank that leaves you more than just breathless. You’ve climaxed so hard and so often that you actually feel like you’ve endangered your very existence.
L – The Learning Wank
It’s back to the beginning. It’s the way we learned how we liked to be touched. Thinking back brings back memories of a more “innocent” time.
M – The Mighty Moaner
The frustration has been building up. The release is so powerful. You shout your pleasure from the rooftops and you don’t care who hears you (with the possible exception of your parents). Sometimes combined with The Killer Wank.
N – The Normal Wank
This is your default wank. The one you fall back on when you haven’t the energy/can’t be arsed with anything else. It’s reliable, you know it works, so why fix it?
O – The OMFG!!! Wank
A variation of The Killer Wank and The Mighty Moaner. It produces orgasms so strong you feel like you won’t be able to move for about a week.
P – The Preparation Wank
You know you’re going to get a bloody good seeing-to, but you can’t wait to get started, so you have a quick bit of me time to start things moving.
Q – The Quiet Wank
It’s the middle of the night. You wake up feeling as randy as hell. Beside you, your partner is sleeping soundly, snoring and drooling into their pillow. It would be a shame to wake them. So, quietly does it, trying hard not to disturb them as you wank yourself back to sleep.
R – The Rushed Wank
You’ve got some place to be. You’re meeting a friend for a drink. It’s taken you forever to get ready and if you don’t hurry up, you will definitely be late. One small snag, you’re randy. Probably just got time to dig out the Doxy and scrape yourself of the ceiling after 30 seconds.
S – The Sensual Wank
You have all the time in the world, so take it slowly. Use your favourite body oils and creams. Take time to ensure every inch of you tingles. Savour it. Wallow in it. Enjoy it.
T – The Toy Wank
You want to feel full, you want to feel something thrust deep inside you. You want your cunt to squeeze and grip hard on something as you come. It’s time for toys. The Cunt Filler is a subset of this wank.
U – The Unexpected Wank
You hadn’t planned to have one; you weren’t even aware that you were particularly randy. Suddenly, midway through Eastenders, you unexpectedly find yourself with your fingers in you knickers. Well, let’s be honest, almost anything is better than watching Eastenders.
V – The Variety Wank
Similar in a way to The Eclectic Wank, but this time the variety is deliberate. You’ve carefully chosen out what toys you are going to use, the lube to apply and you’ve got it all worked out in advance so that you use them all.
W – The Watching Wank
Whether it’s you watching your partner or your partner watching you, or maybe you’re simultaneously watching each other, having an audience can make the experience even more intimate. Can be combined with just about every other wank described in this post.
X – The X-Rated Wank
This is the wank that you do deliberately for your partner. Sometimes also known as the Exhibitionist Wank. You are putting on a show. Your self-pleasure is as much for their arousal as it is for your own enjoyment.
Warning: Can lead to a long, hard, intense fuck.
Y – The “You Touch Me” Wank
Wanking is not a solitary experience. Having a partner bring you off with their fingers, or you doing it to them can be a deeply intense sexual experience.
Z – The Zumba Instructor
I’m cheating here because I can’t think of anything beginning with Z. That said, my Zumba instructor is seriously hot and I would love to do very naughty things to and with her. So maybe this is the category for all those fantasy filled wanks with the people you will never have.
So, there you go, my quick “A-Z” of Wanks, which I hope amused you.